dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
