I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
