You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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