too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
