Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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