i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize