totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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