I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize