I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So vagazzling was a success
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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