Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
