What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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