i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
