You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
