I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
