I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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