I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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