Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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