I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just found puke in my bra..
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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