cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
