Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
oh god the rape fog is back!
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
