My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
