"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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