you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
