so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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