the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
