I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
