For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
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