shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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