You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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