dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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