Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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