I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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