the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
