Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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