You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
a search helicopter?!
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
