my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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