i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
