I want to make a zoo with you.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
