Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
