I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Randomize
