He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
