I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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