I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
