the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
