Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
