I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
