you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
