I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
