My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
