Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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