If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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