I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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