she woke up with a sticky ear
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
