is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
