You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
