You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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