He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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