i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
P.S. I can't hear my feet
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
