I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
